Kink in Long Term Relationships: Episode 1 Transcript

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Unknown
Welcome to kink and long term relationships. I'm dirty Lola. And with me are

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Unknown
Corey and Carly. And tonight we are at please, an educated pleasure shop in Brooklyn, New York.

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Unknown
Okay. So high. We're getting started. And the first question is how do we get started? So I guess the basis of this is people who are in long term relationships who are trying to bring something new, who aren't just like, how do I spice up my marriage?

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Unknown
What are good ways to get that? Start going with communication? Like, how do you bring this up to your partner? I think you're a really good one. You have the the games. Yeah, there are I think there are a lot of ways to get started. And honestly, I think getting started is the easy part, and maintaining it over time is the more challenging part.

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Unknown
But I think that, you know, a really good first step is to identify the things that spark joy and interest for you. So, you know, your interest in kink came from somewhere, a movie you saw or a party you were at, or another relationship that you were out. Yeah, yeah, I think it's always a really good idea to make note of these things and sort of map where our desires are coming from and where our interests are, are lying.

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Unknown
I do this in like a note in my phone in Fantasyland. I would have a beautiful journal to like, track my patterns and interests. But accessibility is really important. But making a note of where your inspiration come can also be a great icebreaker to bring those things up to your partner. I saw this scene in this movie, or my friend told me that they tried this.

00:02:08:00 - 00:02:38:02
Unknown
The low stakes point of entry to having that conversation and something you can show them. Because if if it's a movie or a book, you can like actually give them a passage to read or show them the movie secretary, which is everybody's, you know, entry point, not everyone's. But it was mine. Carly. Yeah, and finding new inspirations. So like exploring new movies, exploring new books, going to different workshops, exploring talks like this.

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Unknown
So like really just broadening your horizons and really just, you know, throwing a bunch of shit against the wall and seeing what sticks really. Because like, it's one of those things where you might not know that you're into it until you try it. It's like that meme that's like.

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Unknown
Yes, you know, just yeah, you just never know. So like just trying a bunch of new things and finding inspiration in media and sexy media, in mainstream media and educational workshops and, you know, wherever you can find it and wherever your comfort level is. Yeah. And I think the important thing to know or to think about is that this is a long game.

00:03:18:08 - 00:03:41:14
Unknown
Yeah, it shouldn't be. You might get an enthusiastic answer, but the chances of that happening could be slim depending, you know, your partner. So being ready for that? No. Or that moment of like or even and I don't know or and I don't know and coming to them prepared like showing up and just throwing out that you want to be kinky and you don't know what that means.

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Unknown
You don't know what that looks like, you don't have the book or movie. You can't, you know, if you're just like laying it out or if you're like laying in bed as you're falling asleep. Timing is key. Like making sure you're open to the conversation and in a comfortable space and somewhere you have like, don't lean over during somebody's wedding.

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Unknown
And so just so you know, or funeral or funeral.

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Unknown
Imagine I get I want to get spanked. Okay. Poor John, you know, like make sure it's the right time time. But also don't wait for it to be perfect. Yeah. There's no such thing as the perfect time. There's no like, you're cooking dinner, like, hey, let's have a chat. Let's have a check in. Like you're in the car, you're stuck in traffic.

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Unknown
Like, hey, let's let's talk about some sexy stuff. Yeah. Or this new sex shop opened up in our neighborhood. Like, please, do you want to go check it out? Yeah. So you can start looking at stuff. And that could be a jump off point, I think another which maybe this wouldn't be your entry. The very first thing, but a yes no maybe list.

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Unknown
Finding one online. And I know people hate when you tell them to go look stuff up, but there's so many that I feel like I want people to find one that speaks to them, like go online and go through them and see which one you like. Because if one there's some that are super extensive, there's some that are a little easier, there's some that want you to write in things.

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Unknown
And so you might find one that strikes your fancy. And I think that's important. Go find the one that you like. But a yes no. Maybe this is a list of kinks and it gives you a chance to one. Think about what they are, what you might be interested in. Some of them actually have like the definitions of those different acts.

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Unknown
So it makes it easier to talk to your partner about. And you don't even have to talk to each other. You just fill it out and go down the list, and then you can swap and go through it together and see what each other liked. I saw one recently and it had. They added a fantasy like column, and that was great because it was like, I'm not a yes to doing this in real life, but I want to think about it like I want a fantasy dirty talk about that.

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Unknown
Yeah, like I want to pretend we're going to do this, but we're not going to do this. And I was like, that's fun, because there's plenty of things that I'm like, that's hot. I don't want to do that. Yeah, exactly. But I want you to talk dirty about your while you're doing something else to make. Exactly, exactly. All right.

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Unknown
So what about folks who are wondering, like, are they kinky or are they just bored? Do you. I mean, I think everyone is a little bit kinky, even if they're asking that question. Yeah. I don't think there's like gatekeeping to kink. There are obviously levels to it, and some people are definitely going to be kinky than others. But I think if you're like, I want to explore kink and I consider myself kinky, then you're kinky.

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Unknown
Congrats. You get to explore. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, yeah. You're part of the cool Kids club. Yeah, yeah, I think that I think it's easy to to get caught up on this question when we're thinking about a really narrow definition of what kink is like when you have exposure, especially if your exposure to kink is through like a very specific set of media, you might think that kink only looks like what happens in 50 Shades of Gray and you're like, oh, I don't know if that's for me, but I think if you open your mind about what King can be and approach it as the incorporation of any outside interest into your sex and

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Unknown
into your play, then your kinky, and hopefully you have interests outside of sex. Yeah, things that you're into that you might be able to incorporate, which can be a great jumping off point if you're trying to do like role play or character work, which is kink. Yeah, yeah. Honestly, I think even when you're incorporating like ice like that sensation play like, congratulations, you're a little kink, baby.

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Unknown
Like you're exploring kink. Yes. Yeah, yeah. And also the the am I kinky innately, am I kinky or am I just bored? I don't know that it matters that much. It's, you know, you are you are allowed to have ebbs and flows in your relationships. You're allowed to have moments where you're really happy with your routine and moments where you want to do things differently.

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Unknown
And if you want to explore something new with your partner because you're feeling bored, you want to change things up. That's that's allowed. That's okay. Definitely. You don't have to be innately hardwired with like, a lust for leather. Specifically. Yeah. To be kinky, to become like a kinky player, to get involved in the community. Yes. Your point of entry is okay.

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Unknown
And I think that kind of straddles the fetish versus kink conversation. And we always say, like, all fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes, because a fetish is a thing that you need to have a part of your life. And I think everybody thinks of like leather or latex or like these really hard core things that make you kinky.

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Unknown
And it's like, no, those are people who have like, really specific ideas around what they need that make their kink. But like you said, it could just be you like sensation play. You want to give some massages and maybe get some new tools, or you want to try spanking. It's you can sprinkle in kink but not have to worry about being kinky because unless you're if this is just for the bedroom, it doesn't matter.

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Unknown
It's not like you're going to like a leather conference, or they're not going to quiz you before you go to, like, Folsom, right? I'm not going to be like, yeah, like the leather troll at the bridge, which is which is the right poppers? Yeah. It's rash. It's right. Obviously. Who goes there. Yeah, right. That's not going to happen.

00:09:34:07 - 00:10:04:09
Unknown
And then you might find that it is part of who you are and some of the things you need. But most of the time it's okay if you're bored. Boredom sparks creativity and it means you want something else. And especially in the long term relationship, the longer with each other. It's not necessarily your board, you're just used to what's going on and your brain is kind of like, but going on a vacation can like brighten things up, but go on and break vacation with like some handcuffs and a, you know, massage candle.

00:10:04:14 - 00:10:36:00
Unknown
There you go. Like you kick it up a notch, even more so just adding something new and kind of like the surprise. So like new flavor. Yeah. Yeah, I love it, I love it. We talked about this, but are there any we kind of touched on it. Do you have any like specific workshops or I think more like podcast things or books you like where people can go kind of do their homework about kink and learn more of like the language of kink and just about more about the things.

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Unknown
Because I think partly is it's so vast. And when people ask that question, I'm like, what part do you want to know about? Yeah, I mean, I think a really good general one is why are people into that, the book and the podcast been on it a bunch of times. I'm on it too. Yeah. Not to toot our own horn, but toot toot.

00:10:56:04 - 00:11:13:10
Unknown
But but I just think it's like a really good one because, like, they like Tina brings people in that are, like, genuinely into these things and they just talk about, like, why they love the things that they love about the things that they love. And like it's a really great way also to be like, am I into this thing?

00:11:13:11 - 00:11:31:05
Unknown
Do I want to explore that? This person talks about it in a way that they talked about it with so much love? Like maybe I do want to explore that. Maybe I am turned on by this thing. I didn't know I was into that, like that kind of thing. Yeah, I think that's a really great one. What else?

00:11:31:07 - 00:12:01:04
Unknown
Yeah, yeah, Tina Horn's podcast is great. I think in general, trying to learn from people who are specifically really enthusiastic will spark so much more interest and excitement around things that you may never have thought of. I went to a lactation play workshop by attorneys who I think is a fantastic sex educator and a great resource, and I thought that lactation play was maybe something that I had a passing interest in, was mostly just curious about.

00:12:01:04 - 00:12:21:20
Unknown
And at the end of that workshop, I was 100% bought in because it was so enthusiastic, it was so authentic. There was. So I could see how much joy and fulfillment this person was having, like with this type of play. And I was like, oh, I want to try that. And did it end up being something that I've like taken into my life long term past that?

00:12:21:20 - 00:12:43:06
Unknown
No, but it was a really fun era to, to explore. So I think finding the right people for the right, the right niche is important. Midori has a lot of great resources. If rope is something that you're into, if you are a book nerd, there are like very technical resources like S&M 101 press. Got it on so many books.

00:12:43:07 - 00:13:09:17
Unknown
Yeah, one of the one of the first BDSM books that I ever read when I was a teenager was called The Loving Dominant. It is perhaps not the most like, technically minded book, but it's written by someone who's really enthusiastic and has a lot of lived experience, and so you're really able to come into the feelings of the scenes that they're doing and like access that sort of excitement about it that I think is really great.

00:13:09:19 - 00:13:32:14
Unknown
The Ultimate Guide to Kink is also another one that's like that. That's a really good one. And it has a lot of like I like definitions, so it has a good glossary. So if you're like, what the fuck is that right now. You know, and I we have to like wrap up. But I just want to say like conferences if you can find like a kink conference, they're great just because it's full of people who are enthusiastic about something, teaching about it.

00:13:32:14 - 00:13:52:19
Unknown
And you get a buffet, like you can just go learn about electro play, you can go learn about like impact play and spanking. Sometimes the dungeons have like a taste of kink and they'll somebody like, that's the first time I did needles was at a conference and there was somebody who knew, like came over and checked all the gear and made sure it was good.

00:13:52:20 - 00:14:13:06
Unknown
So I felt safe and I did the thing and I was like, this was amazing. And I would have never done that on my own. But being in a safe space where it was offered was wonderful. So we're going to wrap up, but thank you so much for joining us for this segment on communication, and I hope you come back and join us for our other episodes on kink and long term relationships.