Kink in Long Term Relationships: Episode 2 Transcript

00:00:33:15 - 00:00:38:11
Unknown
Welcome to kink and long term relationships. I'm Lola, I'm with Corey and Carly.

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Unknown
And tonight we are at please, an educated pleasure shop in Brooklyn, New York. And tonight we are talking about open poly threesomes. Basically, the more for the merrier.

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Unknown
So people who are I think we've all experienced so many people who are in long term relationships deciding to open up to disastrous, you know, to mixed reviews, to mixed reviews, and who happen to get into, like, every newspaper or on some reality show, and it's a whole thing.

00:01:14:07 - 00:01:31:03
Unknown
Why do you think this has been such an enticing thing for people who are in long term relationships? Like, what do you think is happening where people are like, I want to bring in a third, or we let's just have a whole other relationships outside of our relationship.

00:01:31:05 - 00:01:57:07
Unknown
I think that non-monogamy has a lot of innate benefits, advantages and points of interest, right? There's an immense amount of freedom that people feel when they can go out into the world and know that anything could happen, and that could be okay. And that's really exciting. I think in long term relationships specifically, a lot of us start to struggle with, less, less dopamine, right?

00:01:57:08 - 00:02:26:09
Unknown
When you have a new connection, you're flooded with dopamine. Dopamine is a really great motivation chemical. It like turns interest into action and it's really good at that. And so in a new relationship, planning dates is easy. Coming up with kinky things to do together is easy. Making time together is easy. And when you move past being dopamine flooded in your relationship and it's more of a oxytocin serotonin situation, you might still want all of those things and all of that excitement that you had in the beginning.

00:02:26:09 - 00:02:49:22
Unknown
And it's harder to access because you have to find your motivation to make all that happen from somewhere else. I don't think that opening up your relationship and seeking out new connections, just to bring dopamine into an existing relationship is a good idea. It can happen that if you open your relationship and if you're having new connections, you might suddenly feel that inertia again to do things in your new relationship and at home.

00:02:49:22 - 00:03:15:09
Unknown
And that's great. But, you know, making new connections to fix an existing connection is generally not a good idea. Although, I will say, rather than harping on people's motivations for opening up, I think it's maybe more useful to sort of check in on how things are at your home base before you open up, because you don't want to, like, go out and party and leave your house a mess and have an unmade bed to come home to, right?

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Unknown
I like that, I like that, yeah yeah yeah yeah. Carly.

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Unknown
You know.

00:03:25:20 - 00:03:53:19
Unknown
You've really, like, covered all the things. I don't know what else there is to add. I mean, I know for me personally, like, I have really very rarely done monogamy in my relationships. Like I just personally don't really feel jealousy. So like non-monogamy in its many forms is just worked for me. So I know that like, it is a thing that can work for other people, right?

00:03:53:21 - 00:04:10:05
Unknown
And like, I am very happy to share what I've learned, like in my own relationships and like what has worked because like make it. Yeah, yeah like, yeah, yeah. But I have no other things to add. Things to add. I think you've covered

00:04:10:08 - 00:04:21:14
Unknown
it. Yeah, I think some of it I know for me it was that I met my ex like young, I was still forming, I was baking as a human and I was namen arguments in my teens.

00:04:21:14 - 00:04:50:02
Unknown
And then I met him right as my 20s started. And then I was just like in lockdown, and I was so enamored that it didn't matter until I was like, middle away. And I was like, oh, this is wrong. I don't want to be here. And I did things very wrong and how open things up. So I think that also happens to people kind of just tumble into relationships and keep like finding themselves in more and more bad spots where you're like, and then why did you do this?

00:04:50:03 - 00:05:05:01
Unknown
You're like, yeah, it just happened. And then we and then we had a baby and then you're like, oh, like they fell down a hill, you know, like I know like I personally run into like we're like, you go on one date with someone and they're like, oh, we're dating now. And I'm like, we went on a date.

00:05:05:05 - 00:05:29:17
Unknown
Like, I don't know, like you're like a date. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, yeah, like. And I feel like that can be said for a lot of people where like, they're like, oh, we went on a date and like now we're seeing each other and like, people make a lot of assumptions. And I think communication is really the issue there because I think people just make a lot of assumptions because monogamy is like the standard.

00:05:29:17 - 00:05:51:02
Unknown
So like they're like, oh, we've coupled up this one time. So now I'm going to assume a lot of things about our relationship. And like, I have never felt that way. And when people bring that idea to me, I'm like, oh yeah. Like I know like also what I was like, I saw Jessica Drake on like, Real Sex, and she had like a husband and a girlfriend.

00:05:51:02 - 00:06:10:14
Unknown
And I was like, that's possible. Oh, I saw that episode and I was like, when I grow up, I was like, that's gonna be me. Yeah, I don't ever want to get married. And then suddenly I fell down the hill. And then and I was like, how did I get here? Was the, the talking said, where's, where's my wife?

00:06:10:14 - 00:06:41:16
Unknown
Is that my car? Is that my husband? Like, how did I get here? What's going on? Literally that happened. Like what the hell? So I think that happens to people. And then they're like, how do we fix this? Yeah, and they kind of bring it up. But what we're talking about kink, right. So I guess a good next question is, do you think that I don't think polyamory is kinky, but I look at threesomes and other configurations like orgies, you know, foursomes.

00:06:41:16 - 00:07:13:20
Unknown
Morton's fall in that category of kink. Do you think that that is how do you feel about those multiple sex things? Like in my life, I wouldn't consider that cakey, but I know to like outside people like looking in that like, group sex is absolutely kinky because, like, it's not the norm. Like people are like doing group sex or public sex or three sevens or, you know, sex parties or any of that in their, like, average lives.

00:07:13:21 - 00:07:38:23
Unknown
Like, that's why people write like articles and like things like this and ask questions like, people are curious about it, like they want to know. So like, despite me being like, you could have the most, you know, vanilla group sex in the world. And I'm like, I don't see how that's kinky just because there's more people involved. I don't personally think that group sex is inherently cakey.

00:07:38:23 - 00:08:02:23
Unknown
I think you can do kinky things in group sex. Right. But I don't personally think it falls under the umbrella. But I guess, like, if you're not doing anything in the, in the, like, the grand scheme of things, I guess to the average human being, they would consider that it sprinkles on the vanilla. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's topping.

00:08:03:00 - 00:08:15:10
Unknown
You know, it's it's you know. Yeah. Sure. If you want to consider yourself because you love group sex, I'm not going to be like, get out of here. Oh, damn. How dare you?

00:08:15:12 - 00:08:46:16
Unknown
For me? Yeah. Is is non-monogamy and kinky? No, not at all. Yeah. Anybody who's been on field has seen enough profiles that they're doing the most modern heterosexual vanilla thing. And technically, they're doing a different thing. They're doing cake or they're doing non-monogamy, but they are doing it in the straightest way. And this kind of comes back to the point you were making Cali that like, people think of monogamy as something they can do on autopilot because it's such an ingrained cultural norm.

00:08:46:16 - 00:09:09:09
Unknown
And the truth is, you cannot you have to custom negotiate your relationships. Even if they're monogamous. You have to custom negotiate your BDSM relationships, your kink practices. You cannot just watch a movie and repeat it on autopilot. And I mean, you can, but you shouldn't, right? You shouldn't. That is not going to serve your long term relationship. That's not going to serve your happiness.

00:09:09:12 - 00:09:28:08
Unknown
I think that, you know, we think of non-monogamy as as different and kinky. I think of it in relation to queerness. Like, is kink queer as queer and will make something queer or kinky or different? Is are we doing it in a subversive way? Are we doing it in a way that takes us away from our regular practices?

00:09:28:08 - 00:09:53:08
Unknown
And so when we're non-monogamy, if you want to do it well, we'll really force you to learn how to communicate, to learn how to negotiate, to learn how to hold responsibility towards other people. None of that sounds. How to articulate that. Yeah, that's not sexy, that those are the veggies that let you have dessert. Yeah. Those are the building blocks that you can like the dessert.

00:09:53:11 - 00:10:15:11
Unknown
Yeah. You got it. You got to be nourished. And those kind of practices are do you feel I don't tell you I feel that there are some, like, light ways folks can edge into these things if they're like, I'm not ready to be having all this conversation, but I want to do something that's dabbling. So there's things on here.

00:10:15:11 - 00:10:38:04
Unknown
But I was immediately I was like, oh yeah, strip clubs. But I feel like you still have to negotiate, right? Yeah, absolutely. I've been the angry partner. Yeah, we were together and the whole time she was like. Like she was have talked about it. Did you know you was coming here? She did not look happy. And the whole time getting oh he can have the lap dance.

00:10:38:04 - 00:11:04:19
Unknown
And then she was mad at her like he's going to get yelled at later. Yeah, yeah. So what do you have other ways that you think? I mean, like even lower stakes in a strip club, like watching porn together or even, like, getting, like, webcam models involved, and then you have, like, an active participant. You're so smart. You know, I love to, you know, for a little coin that folks.

00:11:04:21 - 00:11:22:01
Unknown
Yeah. I also love porn. I think porn is great. And I like that because you can just turn it off. Exactly. And like, honestly, even if you don't want to be watching it and you have your partner blindfolded, you have the sounds of like people having sex in the room, and you have professionals like moaning. So like, you have, you know, erotic sounds happening.

00:11:22:01 - 00:11:36:22
Unknown
It's going to sound like a sex party, depending on what you're putting on in the background. So like, I think that's great. You don't want to know the my imagination of what you put on in the background, like with somebody who's, like mimicking a sex party and just like putting stuffies around your body, like letting one touch your legs.

00:11:36:23 - 00:12:08:12
Unknown
It's like you're in a room with a bunch of people like that. But pillow, it was like, put that torso really close. Like, you know, you're at a party. Look at all these people around you and you're hearing it. And yeah, like, like very low stakes. You can do it digitally and then like, you know, going to sex parties and like not being involved and like playing with your partner and just like letting people watch you because I think that you should absolutely play with your partner first.

00:12:08:13 - 00:12:28:09
Unknown
Yes. And like we're just going to like there are like ones where you can just go and you know, that sex is going to happen, but like they're serving brunch first. Yeah, exactly. So you can make a waffle and sit on. I had a great time eating a waffle and watching people. So you can just go and just be, you know, like we're going to be here and watch it.

00:12:28:10 - 00:12:53:16
Unknown
I love to watch people and then go home and buy like, great way to club in your own bed. In my own clean bed where no one else has done anything. Yeah, but those are, I think, great. Like when I was opening up with my ex, we did a lot of Bethpage as a hotbed of swingers, Bethpage, Long Island, and they have swingers parties and catering halls.

00:12:53:17 - 00:13:11:10
Unknown
And so at midnight they like bring out a buffet. Like literally they rolled out like a buffet. So we would eat bacon and drink bourbon and watch people dance and talk shit like. But that was so great. Yeah. We'd be like, they're clearly getting finger banged and you're not supposed to have sex here. And but it was wonderful and it was bonding.

00:13:11:10 - 00:13:34:21
Unknown
And you're getting the vibe and you're around people and you're getting to share that moment. But nobody was doing I mean, we're not cheating. You're not. Nobody's getting jealous because we're eating bacon and drinking bourbon and watching Mormons dance. You know that because they were there with their long hair. But yeah, I think that is a wonderful way to kind of do I want to be in this world.

00:13:34:22 - 00:13:54:22
Unknown
Do I want to do more? And I think when you start getting in that a little bit, it makes it easier to kind of go, oh, this doesn't feel bad. Like, I wouldn't mind if you, that person touched you or you know, you got spanked. If you go to a kink club, there are clubs that do kink and sexy things there.

00:13:54:22 - 00:14:14:09
Unknown
So that would be like a great place to go. But you really have to kind of agree to be together and not seal off. Yeah, without each other, because that's that'll be a fight that the more about getting left I think is the. Yeah. Like, you know, you go off and especially especially it's still very gendered in a lot of those places.

00:14:14:09 - 00:14:39:19
Unknown
And you are if you're a man, you're going to feel not chosen because Dick is plentiful and love low value. Still. Sorry, guys. What's going on? So because there's a lot out there, you're not the focus. And so it can feel like I'm by myself. What are some do's and don'ts for any of it? Like getting bringing it up because we talked about like, how to talk about it.

00:14:39:20 - 00:15:00:10
Unknown
We're talking about like where to go and how to kind of start dipping your toe. But what are some big like don't do this. You going to fuck up or some stuff? Please do this because it's going to be good. Do have these conversations outside of the bedroom. Don't spring your new interest on your partner in the middle of sex and hope that it's going to happen right now.

00:15:00:12 - 00:15:23:19
Unknown
Yeah, do hire a professional who can help create a container and help you learn how to how to negotiate exactly what's going to happen. Do make sure you're on the same page about, are we going to a swingers club, a club where sex is or is not allowed? Are we going to a brothel? Make sure that you have the same working definitions of the things that you're agreeing to do.

00:15:23:19 - 00:15:51:10
Unknown
Not say, we're going to open our relationship and assume that it's a free for all after that. Yeah. I would also say don't like if you're bringing in another person and like you're going on dates like don't treat that person as disposable like they are another human being, like you're dating them. Treat them as a person like they're just because the relationship might not be as long it's still a relationship.

00:15:51:13 - 00:16:16:21
Unknown
Be nice to them. And you know communication always communicate. That's always the important part is really just make sure you're communicating until you're tired of communicating. And it'll save you a lot of fighting later. Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. And just pigging back, piggybacking off of the bit about remembering the people you're dealing with are human. Not trying to start whole.

00:16:16:23 - 00:16:18:00
Unknown
Like, don't pull people in.

00:16:18:00 - 00:16:33:00
Unknown
Without being truthful about your situation. I do not date newbies. I don't want to be people's training wheels. I don't want to deal with while you're still working your stuff out. I don't want to be the one who's like, suddenly like, oh, I can't see you anymore because no way if he's mad at me, like, no, thank you.

00:16:33:05 - 00:16:49:01
Unknown
And I literally on feel this guy. And then I said, wait, how long have you been polyamorous? He's like, why does that matter? I'm like, it matters. And he goes, a year and two months. I said, no, thank you. I don't do it. And he goes, why? And I'm like, because it sounds like you two are still figuring out things.

00:16:49:03 - 00:17:10:10
Unknown
It sounds like your wife isn't doing anything, and it sounds like you're the only one on dating sites. And that is a really messy combo that I already see coming. And I don't want to be a part of it. And like honor that. Just know. And so try to figure your stuff out. And I know people always say like, how do what if nobody can let that go by.

00:17:10:12 - 00:17:20:16
Unknown
All right. If it's if no one will, if nobody will date us, then how do we get the practice, find other newbies, hurt each other.

00:17:20:18 - 00:17:42:00
Unknown
Hurt each other. Don't hurt us. We've been through it like, but it's. And being honest, there might be somebody who be willing to date somebody who's been doing this for a year. But beyond that, maybe not, but it's being honest and you're going to get it a lot further. So thank you for joining us on this section of King and long term Relationships, where we talked about getting into a multiple sex moments.

00:17:42:00 - 00:17:44:14
Unknown
I hope you come back and join us for the rest of the episodes.