Kink in Long Term Relationships: Episode 4 Transcript

00:00:33:12 - 00:00:52:20
Unknown
Welcome to kink and long term relationships. I am dirty, Lola. I am with Corey and Karlie. And tonight we are at Please and Educated Pleasure Shop in Brooklyn, New York. And we're going to talk about BDSM. Yes. Who wants to tell us what media stands for? I mean, you're so good at it.

00:00:52:22 - 00:01:17:11
Unknown
I'm gonna just keep letting you do it. Oh, it's pretty common to say that is a condensed acronym for Bondage and Discipline. Dominance and Submission and Sodom. Masochism. Right. So it's like multiple some of the letters have multiple meanings or utilize in different ways. The second D is both silent and also invisible. Yes. It's like it's not really there.

00:01:17:13 - 00:01:37:21
Unknown
What are some of the things that fall under? Well wait actually. Would you say BDSM is kink or is BDSM a thing that is under kink? Like, is kink the umbrella or is BDSM the umbrella? Oh.

00:01:37:22 - 00:01:41:15
Unknown
I think both.

00:01:41:17 - 00:02:02:06
Unknown
Both can be true. I think I think on the interpretation both can be true. I think having had a second to digest it, I would think of kink as the umbrella because BDSM, it's an acronym. It lists these sort of specific activities. It has an association with a kind of particular flavor of kink the dungeons, the leather, the chains.

00:02:02:07 - 00:02:24:16
Unknown
Yeah. And kink can be so many more things that have everything or nothing to do with that particular scene. So maybe kink is our your our big bubble and is kind of a niche. Yeah, I like that. I think that that fits because I was like foot fetishes and foot like, again, all fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes.

00:02:24:17 - 00:02:52:05
Unknown
Yeah. So it's it falls under so it houses it. Yeah, yeah. I think when people think about kink, they are thinking BDSM. Yeah, I think that's what their mind goes to first for sure. Yeah. What are some. You want to give us some like examples of BDSM rope bondage. I mean role play because role play can fall. Yeah.

00:02:52:07 - 00:03:15:18
Unknown
Submissive, dominant, that sort of thing. Which is like power exchange. Power exchange? Yeah. That was the word I was looking for. Yes. Thank you. Yeah. When we talk about, say, those masochism. Right. I think those when we get into that area we're talking about. So who wants to define it? I'm gonna let you do it. Fine. Sadism and masochism.

00:03:15:19 - 00:03:47:03
Unknown
Oh, the exchange of pain and suffering. Yes. And I say this likes to give. They get their elated by. They get joy from giving pain. And a masochist we like to receive. It makes us happy. I'm only happy when it rains. I'm only happy when it's complicated. So, yes. And for those kinds of things, what I feel is kind of more hating mainstream but kind of popular is impact play.

00:03:47:05 - 00:04:11:22
Unknown
So I think that's where everyone's like, I want to explore kink. I want to explore impact play. I think that's also a lot easier to explore than like rope bondage or other things. Do you want to break down what impact players? Yeah, I mean, that's literally just hitting your partner with various different impact items. So that could be a paddle, a cane, a flogger, your hand.

00:04:12:00 - 00:04:38:00
Unknown
Right, a Bible, you know something somebody named Tom made who lives in new Jersey? Yeah. And you know Robert. Oh, I got beat with rubber chicken. Somebody made a rubber chicken flogger. I saw one that was a firefighter hose that had to hurt. Yeah, it was real heavy duty. Yeah. Chain. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Anything. You couldn't hit somebody?

00:04:38:02 - 00:05:01:06
Unknown
Yeah. That's part of impact player. And I guess for me, what makes it the play part isn't just the hitting, it's the the act of doing it and the leading the leading up to it. Like the. It's like the ritual of it. Yes. Yeah. Having your place like the leading all the different bits and knowing when to use like things that are really hurting like a fire hose.

00:05:01:07 - 00:05:20:07
Unknown
You probably aren't going to use the whole time. So you may start with something like, like a music performance. You're not going to start at the crescendo. You've got to like get there, right? Unless you're Weezer, they're always going to start with buddy Holly. I mean, and there are people that are going to start at a ten. So like, you know, everything is also true.

00:05:20:09 - 00:05:44:03
Unknown
Yeah, I think it depends on what you're doing and where you are. Exactly. Yeah, but impact play is a very easy way for people to kind of start dipping into it, because you also don't need anything because you have hands or things at home that you can hit people with because people have like silicone spatulas and all kinds of in their house.

00:05:44:04 - 00:06:13:03
Unknown
But also when you go to a sex shop, especially if it's not a hardcore sex shop, one that's kind of like your neighborhood sex shop, you'll find things that are on the range of being easy and people get scary. Yeah. Or people just get excited to I mean, that's the first thing that they do is they go to the impact wall and then they hit each other, usually where they're not supposed to hit each other like the face or like the stomach or they're like, I don't feel it.

00:06:13:03 - 00:06:49:09
Unknown
You're wearing jeans. Yeah, yeah. Like, yes. No. Can you feel that through your coat and jeans? Know when you're home and you're naked, it's going to feel different. Yeah, yeah. How do we feel about restraints? That's the bondage and restraints covers. You want to go over all the things? The myriad. Yeah. Ropes. Leather cuffs we've got now we've got, like, nice machine washable Velcro, neoprene and nylon cuffs, clips, chains, plastic wrap.

00:06:49:10 - 00:07:17:17
Unknown
So. Really great. Yeah. Late, late. LaTeX is part of bondage, right? Like wearing. Like. Is it? Yeah, yeah. If you're a fan of Pulp Fiction, a gimp mask, if you will, anything where you're restricted, restricting. But also things like get mask are part of sensation play. So you're kind of doing both because you're taking away the senses and or sensory sensory deprivation, which can also lead in a sensation.

00:07:17:17 - 00:07:47:09
Unknown
Play can be part of sensation play. But sensory deprivation where you're like taking away eyesight, taking away the ability to speak, sometimes taking away, being able to hear things, those all fall within that, within that category. We said power exchange multiple times. What does that mean? Like when you think about power exchange. Like what springs to mind for you?

00:07:47:11 - 00:08:12:18
Unknown
As, as examples, any of those kind of dynamics that we talked about before where there's like an archetype of somebody who's in charge and somebody who is allowing the other person to be in charge. So there's this consensual handing over of who's who's driving this bus. Right? Yeah. And then there's the different breakdowns of like, okay. People ask me this all the time because they'll say like, oh, well, are you a Dom or a top?

00:08:12:18 - 00:08:31:22
Unknown
And I'm like, Dom? For me, I feel like if I say, you're my Dom, that's an intimate thing. Like, we are each other's thing, right? It's an honorary, so honorific. Some of these fools don't know that, though. And I'm like, I don't know. You ain't calling you Dom. Nobody. You're Jonathan. And then top is like we are.

00:08:31:23 - 00:08:50:19
Unknown
It's who's in charge in the moment we were playing with. We live with each other. We're having a moment. We're sharing a thing. But we don't have that kind of connection yet. We're like, I would give you that honorific and call you a Dom. So it's whoever's, like, literally on top leading the moment. Same thing with submissive and bottom.

00:08:50:19 - 00:09:13:04
Unknown
It's like, are you just at the the person receiving in the activity or is there a deeper connection. So and I think people use sub even when there's not I'm like stop submitting to it. Like submitting when you're just at a party, like with a stranger, somebody that you haven't had time to build anything with. That's a bottoming situation.

00:09:13:04 - 00:09:39:09
Unknown
And there should be a little less not to say don't have any emotion, but like expecting to be treated a certain way with a stranger versus someone you've built a connection with a little bit different. Yeah, I think there are a lot of ways that we can kind of differentiate in these terms and people, you know, depending on how much experience you have playing this way, having these negotiations, you may or may not be able to sort of pick up at a party with a new person and be like in this clearly defined container.

00:09:39:09 - 00:10:00:03
Unknown
For the next hour, I'm going to give you the reins to do X, Y, and Z. But I think there are a lot of confusion. Also comes up talking around Dobbin versus topping in the distinction between who's in charge and who's doing the thing right. Because sometimes you have someone who is submissive, but they're doing the thing and they're doing it as an active service.

00:10:00:03 - 00:10:25:10
Unknown
They're doing it under the direction of the person who is dominant, but is maybe receiving or is not actively participating in that moment. So there's, you know, the the energetic dynamic of who's who's leading and who's following. And then there's the who is doing the activity and who is. I literally was talking about this afternoon that like sometimes people get in their head that these are not Dom activities.

00:10:25:11 - 00:10:48:07
Unknown
This person said this to me and I'm like, slow down. I'm like, if you are receiving something because as an act of service, I'm doing a thing for you that is still a Dom activity. I'm not doing it to you. I'm doing it for you. And that is that is where we differentiate. But that's all verbal, right? Like somebody watching might not know that, but who cares.

00:10:48:08 - 00:11:04:02
Unknown
Yeah, yeah. People who want to top from the bottom who's like, well, I want to I want you to be dominant and I want you to do X, Y, and Z to me and use me in these ways. And this is how it's all going to go. And I'm the submissive. I'm like, you're not submissive. You know? You want to be totally in charge of this scenario.

00:11:04:03 - 00:11:11:00
Unknown
You just want to you want to bottom and you want to receive. Show it with the schematic. So this is. Yeah.

00:11:11:02 - 00:11:37:19
Unknown
Yeah. That is those are all things. And when you're we talked about glossaries earlier and getting books, if you're in a long term relationship and you're looking to explore or expand your relationship with any of these things, it's important to just learn some baseline knowledge. I'm not trying to gatekeeping and I am not wanting people to. I don't want people to get stuck in this like I've got to do it this way.

00:11:37:20 - 00:12:07:12
Unknown
However, words mean things and so we are not going to be Gen Z and start giving new names to things that already have existing definitions and existing things that are, you know, like because you want to give it a new cute nickname or change up with something means suddenly, because that doesn't work in a community where people have been living with a certain baseline knowledge, like language and knowledge, you kind of have to you're coming into something.

00:12:07:12 - 00:12:28:21
Unknown
So if you're keeping it at home and you want to call something, whatever you want to call it, that's great. But when you're outside and you start dealing with the general public and other people, you need to have a way to communicate so it doesn't work. If you keep coming up with some trying to change the way things have been talked about full ever and as I and ever, because it suits you.

00:12:28:23 - 00:12:55:07
Unknown
So it's kind of giving respect to those things. And it's not about being a snob or gatekeeping. It's just you have to understand you're coming into an existing world. You didn't create it. You didn't make it. This is something that was already there. And I think it's easier when you have a baseline knowledge about easier to negotiate, it's easier to communicate your needs and your wants because you just understand what people are asking of you and you want to ask of someone else.

00:12:55:08 - 00:13:15:12
Unknown
Right? And knowing the difference between calling everything a goddamn whip, please stop. Yeah, a whip is a single tail and they hurt. And this is not slavery time. So no, you cannot, you know. And I'm like, no, you can't with me. But you want to flog me. Sure. And they're like, what's the difference? And I'm like a flogger have falls.

00:13:15:13 - 00:13:37:10
Unknown
And they also feel real, real different. But knowing the names of tools. Right. A cane. Yeah, especially if these are the tools that you're using. Like know your tools. Know your tools. And I also think like using them on yourself so you know exactly how they feel. So before you do it to someone else like and I'm not saying you have to like completely bottom in a scene, but like test them on yourself, like know what you're doing to somebody else.

00:13:37:11 - 00:13:59:21
Unknown
Because a paddle is not a paddle is not a paddle either. All. Oh yeah. All different. Like one of the most horrible things I've ever been hit with. Horrible in such a good way was like, what is it called there? The angry stick? It's like a little metal like stick. Sometimes they put fun things on the end of it, and this one had like a boot and it's like, oh, Bridget, it was like a mini little boot print.

00:13:59:21 - 00:14:20:06
Unknown
It was like the soul of a boot. And it was on this. It's like a little rigid metallics. It looks fun. Yeah. It's not so it's it's not. And then you can kind of pull it back. It bends just enough. And then you basically you just like you're letting it go and like I hit me with the with a paddle, hit me with whatever that hurts.

00:14:20:10 - 00:14:36:21
Unknown
And it's tiny and it's terrifying. I mean, you have a really mean paddle. I have a few really paddles. I think people often don't realize it. Things are not always as they appear. Like people will come into the sex shop. They'll pick up a huge flogger with big, thick, long leather tails and be like, oh, this is so scary.

00:14:36:21 - 00:14:51:06
Unknown
This is so intimidating. But actually, like, this is one of the most gentle things that you're going to play with. This is soft and spread. Yeah. Not going to be super intense. And then you look at this little rattan cane and you're like, what is this magic wand. Actually it's going to hurt. Yeah. That's going to well too.

00:14:51:07 - 00:15:13:18
Unknown
Yeah. Or and I feel like is a long game because somebody like oh and I'm like a flogger. Over time, if you are constantly being hit with this flogger in the same spot, your skin gets more sensitive, especially if you've been paddled and caned and then they break out the flogger. Dear Lord, that same flogger that didn't feel as crazy is going to like hurt now.

00:15:13:23 - 00:15:35:07
Unknown
And that's the whole part of BDSM. It's not like just the one thing doing a job. It's the putting together the recipe. Like learning about your person. What do they like? And it's the same with sex toys. People come in and they're like, what's good? Yeah. Oh, like, what do you mean, what do you want? What are they looking for?

00:15:35:08 - 00:15:43:19
Unknown
Like, what are you trying to experiment with? What's the mood you want to create? Like what do you want to do. And it doesn't have to all be like

00:15:44:00 - 00:15:56:03
Unknown
impact play. Like you could do a little dabble with sensation play and do a little, you know, dabble with some other stuff and combine it.

00:15:56:05 - 00:16:07:15
Unknown
We've talked about this briefly and we before we wrap up, how important are consent and negotiation in BDSM?

00:16:07:16 - 00:16:30:18
Unknown
It's it's that's it's everything. You know, our our aim, our aim, our one of our aims in BDSM. The thing that we're doing in BDSM is we're playing with pain and we're playing with hurt. The intention is not to harm. And if you neglect to negotiate, if you negotiate a get consent, if you don't, make sure that you're on the same page.

00:16:30:20 - 00:16:49:06
Unknown
You run the risk of doing harm to somebody. And that is not the point. No, no. Yeah. And then it becomes just assault. Yeah. Right. And there's a difference in that. I mean, and this is where things get scary because like this is a community where when things do happen, it's hard to report it because they're like, well, you let them strap into doing this.

00:16:49:06 - 00:17:08:13
Unknown
And then all of a sudden it wasn't okay. But like, you're allowed to all of a sudden not be not be okay. Right. Yeah. And so talking about these things, it's a lot of talking for all the sexiness. Yeah. There's a lot of talking that needs to happen. Whether it's somebody you've been in a relationship for a very long time to somebody like you're just meeting.

00:17:08:13 - 00:17:11:00
Unknown
And we keep talking about people you're just meeting because often.

00:17:11:02 - 00:17:16:04
Unknown
Especially in King Things when you're experimental. You're learning from people who

00:17:16:04 - 00:17:16:11
Unknown
know

00:17:16:12 - 00:17:35:03
Unknown
things. So you might be watching your partner receive something while you learn how to use a flogger. It's easier if you watch your partner get flogged, and that person can walk you through things, and you can be there to help support them. And so there is another person in the mix that you need to talk to, and they need to understand your dynamic and what's going on.

00:17:35:04 - 00:17:53:18
Unknown
So we're going to leave you with all of this. Fun is fun and amazing, but it's going to take a lot of talking and you have to do a little homework. And that's totally fine. And there's so many ways for you to learn about these things, but it's really all the homework is going to lead to hopefully lots of orgasms.

00:17:53:20 - 00:17:59:03
Unknown
Thank you for joining us for kink and long term relationships, and I hope you join us for the rest of the episodes.